A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
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24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.