My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
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My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”