my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
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Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Banana is the quietest snack
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”