Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
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Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
The news in a nutshell.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.