Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
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Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
At an art museum and I thought this was art
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
called in thicc to work this morning
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
new wife guy just dropped
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.