This story is comedy gold 馃槀
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My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it鈥檚 not safe to ride any animal that鈥檚 stoned.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
If I ever pass out, don鈥檛 come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 馃槈
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Im an adult and still don鈥檛 play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”