Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
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First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine