just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
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This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.