I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
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Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
The internet is full of many things
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .