Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
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dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
😂😂😂
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.