A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
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Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.