I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
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9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Holy crap this is wonderful
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*