We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
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ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.