Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
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You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
I beg your pardon?
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”