y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
You Might Also Like
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
You can’t outrun your problems…
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Whoa 😂
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”