“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
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If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
My neck, my back, my…
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.