Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
You Might Also Like
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
☺️
there has never been a better use of this meme
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!