wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
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NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.