student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
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ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
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Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child