You Might Also Like
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.