Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
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Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch