Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
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I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?