“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
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More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.