Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
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I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Somebody’s lying.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked