[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
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*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
i actually laughed 😩
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Meth is short for Elizameth.