say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
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[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
HR said no more nunchucks.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
handsome & gretel
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
no one ever comes back
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out