“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
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Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven鈥檛 been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
I鈥檓 not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 馃憣
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that鈥檚 one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What鈥檚 not to like?