You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
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Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
That took me a moment.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
selena gomez
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.