Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
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Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”