Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
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A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Phonetics
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs