ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
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HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
I’m about to risk it all