[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
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Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.