Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
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*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
It has been 3 years since Monday.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.