My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
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First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Catering service
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare