those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
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Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Put the is in disheveled
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.