Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
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Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Labreador
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
LOOOOOOL
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!