December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Pat is about to own someone