Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
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Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you