you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
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Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Can’t stop laughing
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds