My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”