airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
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I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Mmmm canned fish.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Stop making fast and furious movies.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?