Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
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To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .