What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
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Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.