If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
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[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information