Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
You Might Also Like
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Acronyms got me like WTF?
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”