He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
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I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?