I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
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Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Challenge accepted.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.