Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
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[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
I have written yet another poem about laundry
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
What about second breakfast?
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf