Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
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Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.