Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
You Might Also Like
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
ok this is my dumbest yet
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.